Friday, January 9, 2015

Postpartum thoughts as a mama of 2

I've sat down to write this post at least 8 times... each time, my attention diverted away after just a few minutes.  A hungry baby, a determined toddler climbing on something she shouldn't, a text message or phone call... it's amazing how much a second little person under your care comes in and changes your world.

Please don't judge me by the spit up on my shirt, my messy bun, or these pants I am wearing for the 3rd day in a row (they're so comfortable, thanks mom).  My house seems to be a mess, no matter how many times a day I re-organize the disney figurines and clean up baby dolls.  A porta crib has taken new residence in our family room to keep my curious little girl from smothering her baby brother when he is not in our arms (we're still working on "gentle").  My dining room table is stacking up with a list of 'thank you' cards to write and the seemingly endless list of things I need to do for my precious new addition's baby book.  Sweet Andie has watched more Mickey Mouse Clubhouse than I care to disclose in the last 10 days.  This beautiful baby boy still has his days and nights mixed up, so in the 4 hours we were awake last night, I was stressed about having the energy to make it through the day being the best mama I can possibly be.  There is guilt... lots of it... as I try to maintain the focus and love on my sweet toddler and not lose my patience when she acts out.

But, if you could see inside my heart - inside my spirit - you would see a consuming love blossoming as I digest this beautiful new life I am so blessed to live as a mother of two.  You would see my anxiety of time passing as I try to enjoy these precious moments with a newborn because I know too well how quickly this stage of his life will pass. You would see the genuine admiration I have for my husband as I have watched him gracefully embrace this new role of having a son.  You would see my postpartum weepies get the best of me when I cry after hearing Andie say "I love baby", "oh no, baby" and rock her dolls.  Most of all, you would see the gratitude I feel every single day.  I know I will look back on this time of my life, some of it probably being somewhat of a blur... and wish to have just one more day with my little babies.  I know there will be many times in the coming years where I will question my abilities as a mother, but I also know deep down I am meant to be their mom... this is more fulfilling than I ever imagined.  They have filled a very special part of my heart.

Many people have asked me how Andie is adjusting to being a big sister.  I am not sure she really quite understands what it means or how permanent it is.  She's had her good and bad moments since we brought him home from the hospital - but in the moments where she kisses his head and wants to love on him, I know in my heart that she is going to take this roll as a big sister and love it.  He has lots to look forward to, I am sure she will toughen him up in no time.

And, just as I did when I had my first baby... these life changes have made me realize just how lucky I am to have the family I do.  My parents are nothing short of amazing.  They have always gone above and beyond to support, encourage, love, and provide for my sisters and me.  When we were in the hospital having Nolan (and now in the weeks following), they were right next to us the entire way - caring for Andie, playing with Andie, singing with Andie, cuddling Andie, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, taking pictures, doing laundry, and most importantly, loving us... showing an interest and making sure we have everything we could possibly need, and more.  The day they left after we got home from the hospital, TL came inside and looked at me and said "your parents are life savers."  And it's true.  No amount of words could truly express the appreciation we have for them, I just hope to pass forward their love to our children and live life using their example as my guide.

Now I am off to breathe in more of that newborn scent, admire his miniature cleft chin that I know he got from me and be amazed by everything this bouncy 19 month old little girl is learning everyday.  I may have a cluttered house, a pile of laundry, and haven't run a brush through my hair in days... but I am so proud to be their mom.
{admiring my son, just a few minutes after his first breath}

My mom and dad (Gramz & Pops)


The Danielson's said...

Congratulations on baby Nolan and becoming a mommy of two! The first few months are overwhelming but it gets easier and better! Pretty soon no one will remember what life was like as a family of just three. So happy for you all. Take time to enjoy. Your house will be clean again eventually, the laundry done and Dollies picked up (until she wakes up!). Love and hugs

Leslee said...

Beautifully put Tracy - You will get to a place where everything will fall in to place - and trust me, there is no other place your parents would rather be than supporting you! ♥

Ashley Brickner said...

The sweetest - so happy for you!!! Xo

Unknown said...

Beautifully spoken Tracy! You captured all my thoughts

Natasha said...

there you go my dear...getting me all teary eyed! i can so sympathize with everything you said in this post and i am so glad you wrote this, so you can look back one day! it's a circus, but the best kind of show there is and i know you will make a FABULOUS mother to two ;) OXOX

Caley-Jade Rosenberg said...

Congratulations again my special friend, he is just too precious! The adjusting from one child to two is quite a thing and it all takes time to get used to and get your lives into the swing of things. Little Andie will feel so many different emotions and feelings every day. Your post was so genuine and so beautiful - you are rocking this momma x

Jamie Kubeczka said...

Oh how I've been in your shoes. Mine were 14 months apart and I can remember like it was yesterday. I had so many emotions during this time. I was so used to giving one my undivided attention to having to split that up. I would say that was the hardest most emotional thing for me to grasp. Don't beat yourself up, enjoy every minute, good or bad. I promise they will grow up the best of friends, trust me! Having kids so close in age comes with so many perks. He is adorable and you already know what I think of little Andie! :)